I think our second date's going pretty well.
Mike, you met me at the subway stop,
and we sat next to a man who collects squirrels.
Sure you don't want to save that for Valentine's day?
Come on. I bought you a meal.
Remind me, I owe you a buck-50.
So, here we are.
I, uh-I had a wonderful time.
Sure you don't want to come in?
My, uh-my parents are away for the weekend.
I can't. I have to catch a cab back uptown
to where I should have gotten off at the train.
But, um...
Dinner tonight sounds great.
Ah.
Hormones.
Calm down. We haven't even kissed yet.
Well, thank God.
Because no good can come out of kissing a woman.
I have that embroidered on a pillow.
They'll just dump you, lock you out of your apartment,
never return your phone calls.
You talking about Claudia?
Maybe.
Can you imagine how pathetic my life might seem
if my mom hadn't let me move back in with her?
Paul, I think I can speak for all of us when I say,
"we can only guess. "
I'm telling you, I just met her.
Paul's mother is gorgeous.
Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.
You're gay, so you can't judge.
Come on.
Gay men can tell if women are beautiful or not.
Can't you tell if a man is handsome?
Nice try.
You won't recruit me that easy.
Everyone, this is my mom.
Mom, you remember Carter.
This is James and Nikki.
Stuart bondek,
ENCHANTE.
First Carter, then you.
Well, I think it's great
that there are so many gay men
working in the mayor's office.
Look how handsome you are in your big suit.
Mom! Stop it.
Not in front of my coworkers.
O.k., o. k., I'm going.
I'm going. Bye-bye.
Man, oh, man,
do I love new York city!
That's funny. That's what my mom just said.
That was your mother?
Uh-huh.
Birth mother?
We all know we could use a home run issue.
I think I found it.
Public access television.
Apparently, it's pushing the limits of decency.
Tell me about it.
I cannot get from espn to the comedy channel
without some big penis waving in my face.
Where are you watching television?
And it switches over without warning right around 10:00.
10:06.
One minute I'm watching my favorite home improvement show,
WOODWORKING WITH BILL,
and the next minute I'm watching...
WOODWORKING WITH BILL.
Oh, my God, is this for real?
I'm not an expert at these things,
but I would think one of the first rules
of working with a power sander
would be don't do it nude.
And kids can see this.
People are gonna react to that.
This is a family values extravaganza.
It's like sizzler!
James, pull the cable company's contract with the city.
Find out if I have options.
I'll just need a copy of that tape.
Here you go.
Oh, and, Stuart...
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Nikki.
Hi, Mikey.
What are you doing tonight?
I'll bet my entire pension on nothing.
Well, you'd better start planning
for your retirement, Buddy,
because tonight I am...
Doing my laundry.
I was supposed to have dinner with Laurie.
But it turns out, I have this work thing.
Cancel.
Well, I could, but I don't want to disappoint her.
So, I was thinking it would be easier
if you just came along with us,
and that way when I had to leave,
you could stay and you know,
and just- talk about me.
Mike, I struggle with my self-esteem every day of my life.
Now, to go out and spend time working on your relationship
instead of on myself,
that would not be very healthy for me right now.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
See you around 7:00?
No, Mike!
Not unless you're eating
at the launderama on Broadway.
Let me bottom line this for you, o. k.?
You come with me,
I'll give you next Friday off.
Deal.
janelle, cancel Stuart's vacation for next week.
I recognize that whisper.
I just got screwed, didn't I?
Now that Helen's gone,
I have to admit,
the nights do stretch on.
Actually, sir, you mentioned that
to me on the phone last night...
Around 4:00.
Well, how's your schedule for tonight?
I could have the staff cook us up a little dinner.
We could rent a movie.
Uh-well, tempting as that sounds,
I have plans tonight.
Well, you can't blame a fella for trying.
So, what's our issue of the day?
Public access pornography, sir.
Oh, yes. I would fight to the death
to protect a citizen's freedom of speech.
Actually, sir, we were kinda hoping
you'd come out against that.
I'm o. k. With that, too.
Good afternoon, all.
I want to start out with a personal outrage
that's been going on too long,
public access...
Pornography.
You want to work on where you break those cards.
I just want to make sure
that material with graphic sexual content
is available and seen...
Only by those people who specifically want to see it.
O.k., now, you did that one on purpose.
Paul's dad and I actually met
during the big blackout of '63.
We talked for 7 hours before we ever saw each other.
By the time the lights came on,
well, I was already in love.
Do you know that Paul is
the spitting image of his dad?
I suppose he'd have to be.
More lasagna, please.
Oh. I've never seen such hungry boys.
Meat or cheese?
Um...
Lower.
Isn't this great?
Just the guys together?
We should do this more often.
You know what?
I will have some more, too, mrs. Lassiter,
if that's no trouble.
Well, of course not, dear.
Mom, sit down. I'll get it.
No! No!
Would the Lady care for a Rose?
Uh-yeah, I believe the Lady would.
You don't by any chance have a third wheel discount?
Oh, I uh- I just got beeped.
I didn't hear anything.
It's on vibrate.
Whoa. There it goes again.
It's the mayor's code.
It's like having my own secret bat signal.
So, this is what it's like dating a superhero?
Oh, my God.
Well, it was worth it coming all the way out here
even if it was just for a few minutes.
Isn't he the best?
The best what?
Think that was too much, that superhero thing?
It's just that Mike doesn't exactly have a self-confidence problem.
I just hate it when I act like a dork.
No, no, no. You were fine, really.
Tell you what.
Buy me a drink,
I'll fill you in on all Mike's old girlfriends.
Are we talking High-quality dish here?
Yes.
HI, UH-2 MAl TAIs, PLEASE.
I'll have the same.
I can't believe I missed the end of our date.
It's no big deal.
It's a huge deal. It was the third date.
The third date is when I usually go in for the kiss.
It was the third date, and it's come and gone.
Look, that bagel thing yesterday,
let's just say it wasn't a date.
Well, that's very nice of you to say,
but we'll both always know that it was.
Fine. You know what?
Let's just get it over with.
Right now?
I mean, with my mom watching?
I have a huge crush on your son.
So, we're gonna kiss?
You nervous?
No.
I've...
Done this before.
O.k.
O.k., now see, this is too awkward
because we talked about it. You know that it's coming.
You can't reclaim a mom...
There.
Feel better now?
a little bit.
Ready, sweetie?
Uh-not now, schnookums.
Uh-lunch plans. I gotta go.
Oh. Oh-stupid.
Oh, you mean...
You came over to have lunch with Nikki.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
That's just great.
How great is that?
I'm beside myself.
That's 2.
You like Sushi?
I like Sushi.
Cute couple.
Our friends from the porn industry
just sent over this tape.
We could order in.
You decided to rent a video last night after all.
How'd you know that, Mike?
hey, look, it's me.
God, I've got a great head of hair.
Think I can get a copy of this tape, Mike?
Well, I doubt this is the only one.
Well, the thing is,
I was looking for a Western,
so I went through the swinging saloon doors...
I thought that would go into the Western area, you see.
So then I'm thinking,
well, at least, your face isn't visible.
We've got deniability.
This shot...
IS ON THE COVER OF THE DAILY NEWS.
My guess is the headline won't say,
"great head of hair. "
Mike! Mike!
I'm Greg mullins.
I represent some of the more prominent
porn producers in this town.
Well, your mother must be very proud.
So, uh-you see the tape?
Yeah, I saw.
The mayor walks in the video store,
accidentally finds himself in the adult section,
turns around and leaves.
Mayor walks in the video store,
immediately heads for the adult section,
notices camera, panics, and flees.
I'm sure the responsible media in this city
will see this for the innocent mistake that it is.
That's good.
Thank you.
So, what do you want?
I want you guys to back off.
We're having a press conference at 3:00,
and we're showing the tape...
Or not.
It's your call.
That almost sounds like a threat.
Public access is valuable exposure for my clients.
Is lack of exposure
really a problem for them?
I can't believe they'd sink to blackmail.
They're pornographers, James.
I don't wanna back down on this,
so let's look at every viable option.
Let's see if we have any legal recourse.
Well, I'd say we should dig up some dirt,
but they'd probably put it in a box and rent it to people.
They're untouchable. That's the beauty of what they do.
O.k. So, Mike,
if you want me to, I can...
Why are you staring at me?
Do I have spinach in my teeth?
I don't know.
Did you have spinach last night at your dinner with Laurie?
No, mediterranean.
Do I have babaganoush in my teeth?
You guys had lunch yesterday, dinner last night.
You're really hitting it off.
Yeah. Aren't you happy for me?
Ha ha ha.
No.
Why not? I thought you wanted us to be friends.
Yeah, when I'm not available.
You're like my understudy.
I can't be there, you step in.
Audience is a little disappointed,
but at least they get a show.
Do you know how hard it is
to find a great woman to hang out with in this city?
Yes, I do.
You know how hard it is to be surrounded
by a bunch of guys all day?
Yes, I do.
And do you know what it's like
to finally meet a woman whose clothes you can wear?
Bathing suits count?
Yeah.
Then no, I don't.
Aren't we being just a wee bit possessive?
No, we're not.
Now, give me back my girlfriend.
Was that my mom I just heard?
Yeah. Stuart and James were giving her
kind of a hands-on tour.
Isn't that great? They turned out to be great friends.
Mm-hmm.
And you don't think they have any ulterior motive?
Like what?
You knew he was gonna ask. What were you thinking?
Come on, Carter. What?
Janelle, help me out.
Do I look like a fool?
Paul, how do I say this?
Your mom's a hottie.
A whatie?
A babe,
a fox,
a yummy mummie.
Oh, stop it.
Well, look at her, Paul.
Look at her.
Well, she is very thin.
She has a lovely head of hair.
She works out all the time.
She's got a great body.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh!
I just checked out my mother!
And?
And she's a smokin' hottie!
Oh, Mike, I was down the block taking a deposition.
I thought I'd stop by and see if you were busy.
You seen Nikki yet?
Uh-no. Uh-uh.
Excellent.
Would you like to have dinner tonight?
O.k.
Did I hear Laurie? Hey.
You did, but I'm afraid you heard her
a second too late.
I GOT 2 TICKETS TO SEE RENT TONIGHT.
Ah.
Mike and I are going to dinner.
Well, at least you'll have an empty seat
to put your jacket on.
It's the last night with the original cast.
You probably won't have much free time tonight.
I found this stack of budget amendments on my desk.
You have to fill them out.
I should have shown you these days ago.
Sorry about that.
You know what's really funny, though?
I knew this was coming up,
so I got copies made and did them all yesterday.
The only thing is,
you've gotta check them all over and sign them.
I am so sorry to drop this on you at the last minute.
I had her first.
She wants to go with me.
I made dinner reservations.
I have tickets.
You guys, if you're gonna get competitive,
the best way to handle this
is to buy me gifts.
Can we stop this, please?
She's right. You're right.
In fact, I think you should just decide
who you want to go with tonight.
I have no problem with that,
because I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Me, too.
I have a penis.
Don't make me get my purse.
All right, Stuart.
On the other side of this door
are some of the biggest names in porn,
your heroes.
I need you to stall them for about 20 minutes.
Can you do that?
Hi.
Afternoon.
I am deputy mayor Michael Flaherty,
and uh-I'm gonna pretend
I don't know who any of you are.
This is my assistant deputy mayor, Stuart bondek,
and he'll be negotiating with you this afternoon.
Hi.
This is just...
Well...
Hi.
Let's get right to it.
I think that I should start by saying that...
I LOVED YOU IN ADD MAMA TO THE TRAIN.
Uh-oh.
Mike, shouldn't we get in there?
Aren't those porn people about to release their tape?
Sorry, sir. Don't worry. Stuart's handling it.
All right. Has everyone signed these?
That's enough. You're wasting our time.
Let's go.
Oh, wait.
Oh, please don't go.
Amber, Tiffany...
Amber...
Amber.
Amber!
Here, at the back of the store
is where the adult videos are.
And here's our mayor showing how there's no supervision.
He can just pick up any tape he wants.
Now, look at the camera
so we all know it's you, mr. Mayor.
Hello, sir.
We made this tape to show
that smut is too easily available,
whether it's in a store,
or in your living room.
So, if there is any question as to our...
The porn people are coming.
They're running down the hall.
You should really see it. It's amazing.
In conclusion, that is why we have expanded
our quality of life campaign to regulate video stores
as well as public access television.
Here is a tape for everyone. Pass 'em around.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a video showing the mayor of new York
renting adult entertainment.
Well, that's great, 'cause uh-we're one short.
There you go, Betty.
All these years, I never saw it.
I mean...
When I was a kid, and we'd all play hide-and-seek,
all my friends hid at our house.
Scotty and Timmy
and Frankie,
and Frankie's dad,
Frankie's older brother,
and Frankie's clarinet teacher.
I was such a fool.
No, you're not.
Darling, we lassiters have to accept the fact that...
Well...
We're attractive people.
Oh, stop it.
What?
Mom, we both know I'm not exactly gorgeous.
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
You think I'm nice-looking and smart, right?
You about to tell me that I was adopted?
Out of all the men that I could've had,
guess what?
I chose your father.
And you're exactly like him in every way.
Thanks, ma.
If you ask me,
I think I'm better-looking than pop.
Why are you sulking?
Because you're going to the play with Nikki.
We're still having dinner together.
Oh, yeah, this is very romantic.
Chip?
All right.
After the play,
I'm coming right back over here
to see you.
Without Nikki?
Definitely without Nikki.
'Cause, you know, you can bring Nikki if you want.
Is the play over yet?
Yes. Yes, sir, it's me again.
Because I'm running out of candles.
3 hours!
Come on. That's ridiculous.
No, I'm just saying,
in that time, I could cook
603-minute eggs.
No, no, one at a time.
Come on, who has a pot that big?
Hello.
SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG.
MOO.